A Collection of Quotes That I've Heard or Said

SNL: "Scottish common law argues that we have the right to shrink ex-president Clinton down to the size of a field mouse and then have him battle large spiders for our amusement."

Asian chef at Shogun in Asian accent when he realized that the one of the people at our table didn't have a plate. "What the heull."

Alex Ploth (one of the funniest men ever): "If you're ever in trouble, just make the sound of a dying giraffe and I'll be there to save the day!"

"A woman's heart should be so close to God, that a man has to seek Him to find her."

Kristin: "I don't have a single bad memory involving a hammok."

Me: "When Pete Filipiak does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down."

Me: *Strange rodent noises*
Kristin: "Aww. You're sweet."
Me: "What did I say?"
Kristin: "Sweet stuff..."
Me: "In another language?"
Kristin: "Yeah..."

Verice (when we went out to Cry-baby Bridge and were leaving her behind because she was scared): "You guys! You know the black one always dies first!"

"Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see."

Kyle: *Whispering* "Facebook is watching..."

Kristin: "I'm busy from 11-9 and your busy from 7-11, so I don't think we're going to be able to talk tomorrow."
Me: "Awww. Well, that's okay I guess. I've gone a month before without talking to you so I think I'll survive."
Kristin: "What?"
Me: "I said that I've gone a whole month without talking to you before."
Kristin:" Oh, I thought you said you'd gone a whole life without talking to me before; like before you knew me and that's totally not the same. You know you need me now!"
Me: "Oh I knew it then too, I just didn't realize it. Like that time when I was two and got two pieces of cake... now I know why."

Danny Fowles: "I can picture in my mind a world without war... a world without hate. .. And then I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

Fred: "We have to figure out how all of God's commandments apply to us. I mean just look at Noah. Any of you feel the need to build an ark today?"
Pete (whispering): "I did yesterday, but I'm over it."

Matt: "You wanna play goalie for awhile Chris?"
Me: "You ever played goalie before?"
Chris: "I got pretty good at Nintendo goalie!"

Joseph: "Hey... if it were socially acceptable, I'd wear men's DEPENDS all the time. No commercial breaks for me!"

Alex: "By the way, I took some money out of your wallet because it's kinda like finding money on the ground, only it's not all dirty because I found it in your wallet."

Kristin: "What is the only letter in the alphabet that is not found in a U.S. state name?"
Me: "Z?"
Kristin: "No, its actually 'Q'"
Me: "What state has a 'Z' in it?"
Kristin after much thinking and going through the states: "OH! I figured it out! Its Vermont!"

Brandon's friend in reference to a picture of Matt Young after soccer: "Who's the random homeless guy with his ankle all wrapped up like that?"

Kristin: "I smell good... like cotton blossom."
Me: "I smell bad... like the inside of a grocery bag."

Pete: "Derik, your new car smells like cherry air freshener and diarrhea both at the same time." (Chris was having intestinal problems at the time.)

Pete: "Air foil racing has got to be one of the stupidest sports. I mean, basically what they're doing is taking two 500 horsepower super jet turbine engines and strapping them to a piece of aluminum foil and then racing them across the water at speeds unheard of to man."

Pete munching on a cheeto he's just eaten from in between John Dial's toes: "These taste like packing peanuts!! They aren't even gross because they came from his feet, they're just gross because they're gross!!"

Me: "Simplify your life down to the things that are truly worthwhile. Allow yourself to be pruned. It won't be easy. It might even hurt. It won't be comfortable or even pleasant... at least initially. Ultimately, however, you will discover within yourself a life more and more worthy of laying at the feet of God."

Kristin eating chocolate pie: "In Heaven where we get a room in God's mansion, this chocolate crust is what the walls of mine are going to be made of."
DeeDee: "I thought we got a whole mansion in Heaven?"
Kristin: "Oh my goodness, well that's even better!"

Kristin: "Awww, I was enjoying this moment right up until I felt your teeth on my skull."

John Heder: "I'm pretty much 99.9% parched right now. I could really go for a cola..."

Kristin : "People really should use trained squrrels to do things. I mean, they're cute and furry, and you could pay them in nuts or something. Plus, it's not like they have jobs already or anything, I mean the squirrel unemployment rate must be staggering! You'd be doing them a favor."

Tv: *Green Day starts singing on SNL*
Kristin: "Oooh! *singing* I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known... *nonchalantly interupts singing* You know, I used to be in this band."
Me: "Really?!?"
Kristin: "Yeah, except back then it used to be called Day of Kristin... and I used to date the lead singer. What's his name?"
Me: "Billy Idol..."
Kristin: "Oooh. Billie.... Gosh, what was it? Oh well, we broke up because he kept using all my eye makeup and I couldn't remember his name."

Pete: "See to me... when I look at math equations and there are enough letters and variables to spell out my first, middle, and last name... its not math anymore. Its somewhere between english and math like some kind of evil creation from another planet... Like Algebra or something."

Josh in a whiny, complaining voice: "I haven't been on facebook in three hours!"

Pete: "I pooped five times today... I think its because I had Moe's last night."

Sarah: "Southern girls don't sweat, they glisten."

Pete: "And that's likely to make as much sense to them as it would to a KINDERGARTNER! Absolutely none! "

Kristin: "You're so much more advanced than your primate male counterparts."

Fred: "Have you ever lost yourself in a movie before? Gotten wrapped up in a story?"
BJ: "No, but I got lost in a theatre once..."

Me: (on Fox's insane custom paint job in a video game) "It looks like a clown just threw up on the side of the car and then died there."

Fox: "You know what kind of car that is over there?"
Me: "Mmm, no. Looks kinda like a Viper though, only... not."
Fox: "You should go over there and lick it."

Me: "Swimming is so confusing to me; especially as a sport: sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it just to not die. What other sports can you say that about?"

Me: "I bought this new pair of pajama pants the other day and boy was I excited to find that it had 3 seperate pockets. I had grown so tired of holding stuff while I slept. Now I can whip out my planner and make sure what I need to be doing in the middle of the night: 'Keep sleeping'. Alright! Glad I had this planner with me!"

Me: "What's this little guy for?" (refering to a gamepiece for Outburst)
Ben: "That's an exclaimation point, Derik. They make regular, ordinary sentences more exciting!"

Kristin: "If you don't stop that, a bird's gonna poop on you."

Ben: "Yeah, I was thinking more that Polar Express would be a good movie for... Oh I forgot what they're called, those small people I trip over all the time!"
Sallie: "Children?"
Ben: "Yeah that's it! Children... it'd be a good movie for children."

DeeDee: "Boobahs are like the most ridiculously frightening things ever created. Seriously, is there anything more ridiculous than a Boobah? They were obviously invented by John Kerry."

DeeDee: "If any of my kids ever speak of Boobah, I will destroy them."

Chris: "Oww, your cleats hurt like crap!"
Alex: "That's what all the girls say."

Jesse: "What was that!?"
Me: (after horribly missing a soccer shot) "My bad, that was supposed to not suck."

Fred: "Oh Derik, I meant to ask you to go ahead and take down that one prayer on the prayer request page."
Me: "Already ahead of ya Fred. I already did it."
Fred: "Yeah. What was I thinking? You're always on that stuff."
Chris: "Oh man, stuff? *laughs* What kinda stuff are you on?

Joshua: "Who ordered the thing with beans?"
Me: "Oh man, there's a good question to ask everyone at a Mexican restaurant! 'Hey which one of you ordered the dish with the refried beans!?' Then like 50 billion people raise their hands and you've accomplished nothing."

My new catch phrase: "You gotta shoot from your hips!"

Me: *Turkey gobbling noises*
Gina: *Hysterical laughter to the point of not being able to breathe*
Me: "DeeDee, I'm killing your sister wtih laughter!"
Gina: *gasp of air*
Me: "Awww, she took a breath."

Joshua to Dee Dee: "I accept your apology only if you go away and leave me alone forever."

DeeDee after threatening to bite Josh when his hand was behind her back: "I have teeth in the back of my spine."

Gina to me: "Where's the coaster I threw at your face?"

DeeDee after poking me in the eye: "Eww, I think I touched your brain!"

DeeDee: "Joshua, if you don't stop I'll send you to the sad corner. I'll take you to see Miss Judy."
Me excitedly: "Can I be Miss Judy!?"

Me: "I hear Beta Alpha won the Memorial Trophy? That is so awesome!"
Fox: "YEAH WE DID!"
Fox: "It is so heavy... I think it would break you."
Me: "Rofl!"
Fox: "I was gonna wear it around my neck, but it is some crazy heavy bling."

As seen on the menu at Wendy's: "Counting carbs? Order your sandwich without the bun."

As seen on a package of candy: "Naturally Artificially Flavored."

DeeDee: "I lost my sandwich! How do you lose a sandwich?"

John Dial: "I went to Cooper Creek one time and found this little turtle and I fed it some lettuce and wouldn't you know it, I waited and waited and it never turned into a Ninja Turtle. Then I realized later it had also died somewhere along the way."

Jesse: "Hey Fred, what does the Statue of Liberty stand for?"
Fred: "What do you mean?"
Jesse: "I took this essay test in history today and that was one of the questions, but I think I got it wrong."
Fred: "Well, what did you put?"
Jesse: "I said because she doesn't have a chair."

Josh: "How did the turtle cross the road with no legs?"
Me: "How?"
Josh: "Just take the 'F' out of way."
Me: "There's no 'F' in way!!!"
DeeDee and I simultaneously: *Gasp*

DeeDee: "We could be related. We're related to the Roberts, only we dropped the 't'... and added the 'son'. I could be your great nephew's uncle."

Josh: "How sad is this? We're singing little bunny foo foo at 1:30 in the morning."

DeeDee: "Noah needs to get rid of the green scrubs though and go back to the white lab coat and the heart hearing thingy."
Me: "A stethescope?"

DeeDee: "I don't understand why they won't let the poor rabbit have some Trix. He oughta at least be able to eat some of that new yogurt or something."

DeeDee: "That hurts my eyeballs."

Chris(manly woman voice): "Hi, my name's Amanda but my friends call me a man... I mean, Mandy."

DeeDee: "Noah Wiley was on Oprah the other day and when he was talking about his kid he started tearing up and crying. Isn't that just the sweetest thing?"
J.D. (large black male waiter): "No!"

Kristin: "I saw four deer on the way home last night..."
Derik: "Were they a family?"
Kristin: "I guess so, none of them were eating eachother..."

"Stan, why you making me block HPC, you know I've got big gorilla man hands!"
~Shane

"Happiness is like peeing on yourself. Everybody can see it, but only you can feel its warmth."
~Jessica

"Wisdom often comes from wrestling with decisions, not from being handed the answer."
~Jane A.G. Kise

"Seriously? Are you serious?"
~Me in strange accent

Katie: "Why are you carrying around a sponge on a rope?"
Matt: "For attention."

"Wanna buy a pot?"
~Matt, who carried around a pot for an entire evening, when someone answered their door.

Fox: "Dude there's some nasty smelling krunk in here!"
Me: "No. Krunk is a good thing isn't it? It's more like anti-krunk!"
Fox: "Well then it smells like anti-krunk in here."
~The origins of my newest phrase

"You know you eat at Zaxby's too much when you know what song is coming up next on the musak."
~Me

"You were hot in high school... what happened?"
~Kelley

"Mirrors and copulation are abominable, because they both increase the number of men in the world."
~Cornell

"News Flash: Georgia Tech basketball coach Paul Hewitt signs six-year contract extension. Eric Schwartz pees pants due to unchecked bliss."
~Schwartz

"You know a guy's tired when he sits down to pee."
~Me

Me: "Does it start with the letter ' W '?"
Kristin: "No..."
Me: "Oh, then nevermind."

"What if aliens were actually interterrestrials instead of extraterrestrials. I mean how crazy would that be? We would have a super advaced civilization located in the core of our own planet!"
~Matt Jones

"We want to be pleasing to guys, and we want to be pleasing to God; but in our heads those two are complete opposites."
~The crap men are feeding women in today's society.

"I don't feel like going around in the wintery mix tomorrow looking for tree fungus! I regret putting that one off."
~Kristin

"The man's afraid of pigeons for goodness sake; he calls them winged messengers of death."
~Me

"They held each other and kissed and pushed each other's darkness into the corner, believing in each other's light, each other's dream."
~Hubert Selby, Jr.

"I think the Cardinals were afraid he might be a Yankee in a few years ... off the bench."
~Tino Martinez on former teammate Albert Pujols, who recently signed a seven-year contract for $100 million.

"If I ever write a mythical life story about myself... Mardis would be like an adage or some incredibly wise wizard or something. A very intentional one."
~Me

Matt Jones: "What do you eat? Because you are what you eat supposedly."
Me: "I eat food."
Matt Jones: "Hmm, that does not work i guess, because you are definitely superman."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
~Jessica

"Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings and spending the rest of your life living up to them; and above all, not hurting the object of your love...multiplied by infinity and taken to the depth of forever and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I am talking about."
-Movie: Meet Joe Black

"Dude... my hair is so cool... i never have to vacuum because somehow it collects into these little balls on the ground which i can just pick up and throw away"
~Matt Jones

"I'm out feeding my snowman. If I don't feed him he gets very mean and bites me when I go out to see him."
~Abbie

"I love homework like I love a good, hard football smacking me in the face."
~Sallie

"Have you thanked a cyanobacterium today?"
~Kristin

"So they have lots of mannequins? I mean womannequins."
~Bobby Springs asking Meg about boutiques.

Kristin (reading textbook): "Wow, Leah. Did you know that half of America's national income is earned by only the top 20% of families??... That's ridiculous."
Leah: "Yeah..."
Me: "Well, when I'm president.... I'm gonna have a huge window in my bedroom..... oh yeah, and I'll change that income thing too."

"Which would you rather people say? ' What a cool camel!' or What's wrong with your dog!?"
~Kristin discussing the advantage of a dog-sized camel with two humps instead of just one...

"I'm young for my age."
~Karen

Kristin: *Spazzes out and starts rubbing eye.*
Me: "You okay?"
Kristin: "An eyelash just commited suicide."

"85% of all the great music will never be heard by 90% of the world. That is a travesty."
~Matt Mungle

Andy Roddick: "That ball was out!"
Chair judge: "I didn't see it."
Andy Roddick: "You're paid a living to see these things!"
~Andy during the Australian Open

Amanda Bines: "It's okay, everyone has a right to voice their opinion."
Random guy stands up: "I think the Russians ate the moon!"
Amanda Bines: "Except for that guy."
~As seen on the Amanda show

"I try not to listen in on my roomate's phone conversations with her boyfriend..... but they are just so weird..."
~Leah of me and Kristin

"Goldfish just really suck at the whole underwater thing."
~Me, scientifically

"I mean come on, how hard is it to cast Matthew McCanaughey?"
~Kevin, Kristin's brother, on bad southern accents in Cold Mountain.

Kristin: "Ahhhh! My neck!"
Me: *sends virtual massage vibes to athens from my brain*
Kristin: "Interesting..."
Me : "I think Frank intercepted them. Drat!"
Kristin: "Ewwwww. So your brain is massaging Frank's neck?"
~Kristin [hehehehe]

Me: "Do you ever find him eerily unnerving?"
Howard: "What, is he like a Mexican Staring Frog from Southern Sri Lanka?"
~Of my stuffed frog Snooger who sits on top of my computer monitor

"Meh, blinking lights... *concerned expression* They make me uncomfortable. I need a pattern."
~Younker

"Why don't you get a picture of the street from the house too."
~Younker commenting on the girls taking pictures of the house itself where BSU semiformal was.

"I might eat to procrastinate picking this up... or I might pick this up to procrastinate eating. Actually I think I'll just do this and procrastinate choosing between the two."
~Howard

"Seriously, how does such a small man consume such vast amounts of sugar and manage to sleep until noon every Monday?"
~Howard of me

"Tech, where your best isn't good enough since 1885."
~Me

"Yeah, there are easier things... like nailing jello to a tree."
~Campbell

"I'm leaving 'cause Caleb is listening to auditory porn"
~Justin Winter of Caleb's rap music

"Yeah, I'm his sugar momma."
~Me of Fox to Kate and Katie

Guy: "He's a whore!"
Foxxxy: "Yes, because missing a field goal obviously means that you sell your body for money."

"I fear the return of the bean monster... We have taken its home and it will not be happy."
~Me

"Whatcha gotta ask yourself right now is what's sexy. Cuz if sexy's what I think it is, I'm sexing it up right now."
~Chris in only pajama bottoms up to his armpits.

Chris: "I was 'bout to throw a bear rug on him!"
Me: "Huh?"
Chris: "Yeah man, did you see how big and black that guy was flying at Vick? It would have encompassed all that you were and more"
~Me and Chris discussing a Madden football tackle.

Me: "Honk Shoe?"
Cornell: "Huh?"
Me: "What's Honk Shoe?"
Cornell: "A noise you make in your sleep."
~Me questioning Cornell on his away message and not being prepared for the answer.

"Dude, if you were a woman that would have been totally awesome."
~Ben Jones' response to Foxxxy fondling him

Me: "What the heck are you talking about?"
Fox: "Detachable peni."
Me: "That's what I was afraid of..."

"He was all up ons them Dalonagan 'Coons..."
~Foxxxy

"I find the taste of Nyquil strangely satisfying."
~Me

Me: "You have such a destructive personality sometimes."
Campbell: "No, I'm CONstructive. I'm ADDING a screw to the table!"
~Campbell screwing a screw into a Starbucks table

"I would rather have a life of suffering than a life of insignificance."
~Something I wrote at age 16

My Matrix Ending:
"Keanu wakes up, says 'whoa, no way could I ever get that script'. "

"I used to have a hyper-active imagination, but corporate America is like riddlin, stifling my creativity and brainwashing me of my individuality."
~Something I wrote at age 16

Moxon: "I think this is the best I've ever seen you."
Darcy: "You're sweet, Mox. But you know you are."
~Varsity Blues

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
~Sallie's AIM profile

Kristin: "Derik they're squirrels..."
Me: "No... They are much more than that! They are squirrels... *long pause* on crack!"

"I went into Barnes and Noble to look for a book on A.D.D., but I got bored and I left."
~Me, a true story.

"It's like eating a real good dish sponge"
~Me on my brownies

"I woke up this morning and I was like way hotter than usual.."
~Kristin, refering to temperature but still funny.

"We do have brain whores ya know. Cells go through Mitosis and divide, and then like 15 mintues later.. they'll do Mitosis again! Without even thinking twice. I mean thats just dirty if you ask me!"
~Kristin

"Amazies are like concentrated balls of awesomeness, thats how they can be stolen."
~Me

"Lol, omg! I was wondering what "derik8084 is typing" was gonna be cuz it was saying that for so long. And I waited and I waited. And what do you know, it was the definition to Amazies"
~Kristin

"You wrote one looong email. That was more words than I've written in the past 9.34 years."
~Matt Jones

"I got an email today from my aunt. I wrote her back. One of the longest emails I've ever written... It was at least *pause* 13 words."
~Matt Jones

"What I don't understand, is you're willing to walk into bullets for me, but you won't share what's going on inside. Clark, if you don't open up to the people that love you, you'll always be alone."
~Lana Lang [Smallville]

"If my fire is not yet large, it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame."
~ A.W. Tozer

"I was born to be on a float. I can throw beads with laser-like accuracy. I was like Nolan Ryan, but with beads."
~A contestant on Wheel of Fortune

"I'm glad he didn't say anything... or come sniff us."
~Chris, my roomie

"Yeah I'm totally afraid of cops. Cops and sharks. Those are like my two mortal fears."
~Cornell, quite nonchalantly

"We ought to give ourselves to God with regard to things both temporal and spiritual, and seek our satisfaction only in the fulfilling of His will, whether He leads us by suffering, or by consolation, for all would be equal to a soul truly resigned. For prayer is nothing else but a sense of God's Presence... He who is too busy to pray will be too busy to live a holy life."
~E.M. Bounds

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather in spite of ourselves."
~Victor Hugo

"Giving anything less than your best is sacrificing the gift."
~Pre

"God is most satisfied in us when we are most satisfied in Him."
~ John Piper Desiring God

"Yeah, it tastes like liquid cardboard sauce."
~Me , describing Lean Cuisine

"Wow. I feel the equivalent of two potatoes lighter."
~Comment heard after someone returned from the bathroom

"When I got back from d-group around 10 or so I made a sandwich and ate it. I'm sure its details like that that keep you coming back to my journal."
~My journal

"There is nothing so inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman,
and God created them to be this way."
~John Eldridge - Wild At Heart

"There comes a time when you have to leave all that is familiar, and go into the unknown with God."
~John Eldridge - Wild At Heart

"And why did I encounter a really huge beaver last night?"
~Kristin about the random live beaver on UGA campus

"But this time I had fun.... until I ate a grasshopper."
~Kristin about the UGA game.

"I'm gonna get a dog, and he's gonna be so kewl, and I'm gonna make him FAT, cuz fat dogs are awesome!"
~A little kid excitedly

"Hey, remember that time we were drinking and smoking pot and I said something about that ho you were with and you stabbed me 3 times in the chest with a box cutter. Yeah those were good times. Good times."
~Chris, my roomie reenacting a scene from a police report in the paper where the above happened and the guy isn't pressing charges cuz he said it was all in fun.

"Why don't you keep your hyper cookies and your nakedness to yourself over there Derik."
~Chris Howard, my roomate.

"There was a bagpiper slowly rollerblading around the roof of what used to be the B07 parking deck this evening."
~Seen on git.ads (GaTech)

"[The Falcons] have a decent chance to get off to a 2-0 start with Doug Johnson in charge if they can beat Dallas and Washington in their first two games."
~ESPN.com's John Clayton

"Dude, your girlfriend is really cool! Watching her reminds me of you... a LOT"
~Glenn

"The place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
~Fredrick Buechner

"I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish and weak things, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful and radiant qualities that no one else has looked quite deep enough to find."
~Roy Croft

"Here's what to do if you get disconnected from the person you're talking to on the phone: Repeatedly say "Hello? oh no! hello? oh no! hello? oh no!" -- at least that's what Kristin does."
~Leah

"Who needs a mealplan when I've got Catholicism?"
~Frank on free food at the Catholic center

Kristin[exasperated]: "Gosh Derik!"
Me[shamefully]: *Looks up* "Oops."
Kristin[disappointedly]: "You spilled water all over your dream!"

"If you ever get a job as a parking ticketter, I think you should park illegally on the first day and write yourself a ticket just to show how hardcore you are."
~Frank

"For the longest time I've been looking for Louis Lane, and God was just waiting for me to step back and trust Him so that He could show me Supergirl."
~Me

"I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar."
~Copeland - Brightest

Steven: "So why exactly are bigger bugs scarier than littler ones?"
Me: "Rule of thumb: The bigger a creature is the more of you it can fit in its mouth."

"I caught a balloon in the mall today and everyone was looking at me, but I think its just because I had a balloon and they didn't and they were jealous..."
~Me

Leah: "We'll do step aerobics there."
Meg: "But I don't have a step."

"Computer games do not affect children. I mean if pac-man affected us as children we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching on magic pills, and listening to repetitive music. Hey! Wait a second!"
~Brian Cornell's away message

OG: "Do you think Tech allows pet camels in the room? I looked at the website, it says as long as it's in an aquarium."
Me: "You have a pet camel?"
OG: "Yeah a miniature one! Its about dog sized"
Me: "That is quite possibly the kewlest thing I have ever heard."
OG: "And you are quite possibly the most gullible human I have ever met, my friend... Lol."

"Some people like to think of Derik as the mind of a care bear in a 14 year old's body."
~Nate's famous truths of Derik Roberts

"No one's ever said Derik was common sense oriented."
~Nate's famous truths of Derik Roberts

Me: "Its okay, we had a long day."
Fox: "A very stress relieving day too though."
Me: "Yeah punching me in the face tends to do that for people."
~Me and Fox after a day when we boxed.

Fox: *Lights match* "Eat it!"
Me: "Okay." *Takes lit match and tosses in mouth.* <sizzling sound>
Jones: "Fox, haven't you learned by now that he'll do anything to make us smile?"

"Oh gross, you just drooled all over me."
~Matt Jones of me.

"But I don't want to run over any old ladies today."
~Me, in the whiniest voice possible.

"I'm really a lot tougher than everyone thinks I am. *Thwack* Oww, my pancreas! *short silence while I hold my side* That's so not fair!"
~Me

"So... you're saying that Taco Bell is giving away this invisible donkey thing in its kids meals? Mankind has reached an all new level of retardation."
~Badle

"I'm going to make a cardboard sign that says 'Don't read my sign,' and stand on the corner and yell at people that do"
~Adam Parker

"As long as I dont have emotional attachment to the thing I'm disecting I'm alright, so don't worry, I probably couldn't ever disect you Derik. Lol."
~Kristin

"I especially hate biology lab. I have no desire to know how my insides work... just so long as they do."
~My philosophy on biology.

Fodstad: "WHERE DID HE COME FROM!?!?"
Fox: "Yonder..."
Fodstad: "Yonder sucks!"

"This great bat spawned the "Bat of Comfort" for which was primarily used to beat the stupid out of "Matt the Retard" it has not yet succeeded but hopes remain high."
~EBAY auction for the BAT OF JUSTICE

"I like soccer because there are no time outs, so the only way players can catch their breath is to sustain a major injury, which some of them are very good at. A guy will get bumped by another player, or a beam of sunlight, and he'll hurl himself dramatically to the ground, writhing and clutching his leg (not necessarily the leg that got bumped) and screaming that the referee should get a priest out there to administer the last rites, or at least call a foul. The referee generally ignores the player, who, after a while, gets up and continues playing. Some players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are."
~Fodstad

"Your mom is a marshmellow.... And by marshmellow I mean totally sweet."
~Me

"Andrea, is it generally a bad thing to bite a camper?"
~My sister as a camp counselor

"She snored like a strangled monkey!"
~My sister.

"Solid outfield guys... Like the Berlin Wall!!!!... *extended pause of confusion* used to be."
~Caleb

"Did you just stick pizza in your eye?"
~Fox to Clay

"We need to take the mirror away from him or he's going to hurt himself."
~Matt Jones on me in the mirror

*Puts plastic spoon with computer monitor face in a pickle jar and shakes viciously* "My computer needs to be punished."
~My sister's amazing away message!

"On a scale of stupid to cool.... I'm totally great."
~Fox

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."
-John Walter Wayland

"As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, a thought came to me. Maybe when they say "No purchase necessary," it's like some kind of code or something, and you're not supposed to dump cereal all over the aisle to get the prize. Maybe if they hadn't taken away my little "Crunch-Berry Decoder," I could have figured it out."
~Fodstad

"Hmm, let me see that box. I think I saw this model in the store yesterday. Let's see..... 'For LOSERS ages 12 and up.' Yep, same it's the same one."
~Adam Parker on our Risk 2210 AD game.

“Watch as I blink at you several times in concern.”
~Me

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."
~Jack Handy

"Once I was in this big department store, and I thought I heard subliminal messages in the muzak broadcast telling me to buy a stereo- but I ignored them. Then they told me to buy a new fridge- but I ignored them. Then they told me to go to the pet department and stuff my socks with gerbils. Well, even the strongest man has a weakness."
~Fodstad

"It's like carbonated cancer."
~Badle of Sprite remix.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"People used to call me Care Bear, but I'm not little or weird colors.... so I just don't know....."
~Karen

"Dude, I think I broke the dog."
~Billings

"One day im going to lick the wrong thing and regret it for the rest of my life"
~Daniel

Me: "Steven! You're hogging all the chips!"
Steven: "Yeah! Well, you're hogging all the....UGLY!"

Russell (sarcastically): "You're looking ripped lately Derik."
Nate: "Yeah, now he's visible from the side again."

"I bought my very own Jew off Ebay today!"
~Some guy on a Counterstrike Server

"Dude, we said we were going to go to bed at midnight and we just spent an hour searching for pictures of koala poop online."
~Fox

"Look, baby geese."
"No, no Derik. Those are pigmy emus!"
~Daniel excitedly.

Tv: "You still have time to become a person of substance Russell."
Me: "Are you a person of substance Fox?"
Fox: "Yes, all of them smokeable."

"You are soo cool. If you replace 'are'.... with..... 'are not.' "
~Fox

"Once I thought I'd be real funny and snort some lick a stick powder, but all it did was burn my nasal cavity and made my boogers blue for two days."
~Daniel

"I wish the good food covered for the bad food. Like, if you ate a carrot and an onion ring, they would both go down to your stomach and the carrot would say, "It's okay he's with me."
~Hilary

Daniel: "Your font is very big, and PINK!
Me: "Just like me!!!!!!!!!!"
Daniel: "LOL. Yes!"

"Too much Wingnuts....it's impairing my judgrment. It's rich Honey BBQ Sauce has invaded my bloodstream and altered my cells into a suspended barfing state. Ugh."
~Haggy

"Like my Snuggle bear and my Humphrey bear, cannot be separated. I swear when that happens..the permanent smile on Snuggles, actually gets smaller."
~Kristin Gunnels being her kewl self.

"If they could figure out a way to pump all the daily vitamins into a package of yellow peeps I'd be one happy camper, because I like them that much!"
~Abbi's away message

"You need to gain some weight sweetie."
~Some girl at the Chevelle concert

"He looks like a little gerbil that just came out of his momma gerbil."
~Me about Steven Grant

"Don't frown, cause you never know who might be falling in love with your smile."
~Ashley Mills

Becca: "So, exactly how many cups of hot cocoa have you had today?"
Me: "Um, I think I've had five cups so far..."
Becca: "Ah, so thats why you're not pissy today. I thought maybe you'd found yourself a girl or something..."
Me: "Bite me..."
Becca: "Ehp, there's my pissy Derik again."

"Hot cocoa makes my soul smile."
~Me

"Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it. Me and my friends have been too busy bathing off of St. Barts with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid totally changed our whole perspective on sh*t. So I guess you can 'dere-lick' my balls, capitan..."
~Hansel in the movie Zoolander

"So I'm rapelling down Mount Vesuvias, when suddenly I slip. And I start to fall. I mean I'm about to die. Just falling. AHHH. AHHH. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I remember, 'Holy. Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? And couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?' And it was, I've never even been to Mt. Vesuvius."
~Hansel in the movie Zoolander

"Right now this guy is so hot, he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple of fishhooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings!"
~Maury in the movie Zoolander

"There's got to be more to life than being really, really, really, really ridiculously good-looking."
~Derek Zoolander in the movie Zoolander

"Derik.... *grins nicely at the intelligent English 1102 student.*"
~My sister right before asking me to write a thesis for her Huck Finn paper.

"[Iraqi forces] rammed a bus into a Bradley on purpose. American military said they responded with an 120mm canon... on purpose."
~Fox News

"You know this world is messed up when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is calling the US arrogrant, and Germany doesn't want to go to war!"
~Unknown

"A computer without Windows is like a dog without bricks tied to its head."
~Wilson

"Do not taint the purity of my Care Bear!"
~Me, shocked

"Dude, you got the angry black man round."
~Me to Grant while playing Rocky the PS2 video game.

"Derik, you are so cool. Once again I find myself listening to the radio and hearing some group you have been raving about forever."
~Paige Pine

"Your website is super sexy hot."
~Paige Pine

"You were flailing like a madman."
~OG of my attempts to keep my balance on my roller shoes down the hill.

"That was incredible! Oh You've so got to do that again"
~A random couple outside the student center when I rode my roller shoes and ramped off a table into the fountain.

"If I asked you to eat this mold, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?"
~Me

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
~Me

"It was like a full body dry heave set to motion." - George, on Elaine's dancing (Seinfeld)

"Level 88 was just achieved in the Trogdor game."
~Deano

"Like when my friend Jenny and I made up the word "spu" and just went around calling people "spu" for about a week. "you're such a spu!", "spu you!", etc...
~Hilary

“Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth, stretching the truth, bending over backwards, lying down on the job, side stepping responsibility, swimming against the current and pushing their luck.”
~Me in a moment of profound ranting

Me: "I need ideas for birthday gifts."
Jen: "Crack."
Me: "No! Personal ones!!"
Jen: "Crack with their names on it?"

"I like you... You remind me of when I was young and stupid."
~Me

"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic like I lost the other one."
~Me

"Hey, uh, you look like that guy with the hair in, uh, dat band, uh, the Grateful Dead. Yea, uh, ya see I'm a urban nomad...my hobbs readin. If I could get 8 bucks from each of you that'd be cool."
~A bum outside Philips Arena

"Sometimes I miss you so much that I write "Derik" on Joeys forehead and make him go to the movies with me and stuff."
~Daniel

"Derik sweetie, you are 135 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal!"
~Becca

"Steven, your writing really does suck. Your papers don't flow and you don't use any advanced writing techniques..... like commas."
~Brian Cornell to Richman

"I tried to get max power, batting, and speed, but all I got were these freaking horses."
~Haggy playing with a baseball team entirely of horses.

"You're such a womanizer... Only you don't really 'ize' all that much, so I guess you're just a woman."
~Me to Richman

"One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face."
~Jack Handy

"Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in; Next to soccer."
~Dogma

"I heard Al Gore speak once. My teeth tried to reach around and eat my brain."
~Lewis Blac